Say Anything
by Topazwolf
Summary: Somtimes the last thing we want to hear are the questions we can't answer. Songfic. r


            A/N: Hey, I was listening to this song today and this just came to me. Flame if you want, but it's from the song not me.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Tamora Pierce and the song "Say Anything" belongs to Good Charlotte.

Kel rode wearily back to the palace. Once she would have called it home, once she would have looked forward to seeing her old friends. Once she had wanted to live. She didn't know what life was any more. She had seen thousands of men die, she had killed so many, and she didn't even remember their faces now. She saw those she knew slaughtered. The young, the old, the weaponless babes. She had long since seen a friendly face or heard a comforting word. She knew that once, long ago she had friends, those that cared, but she no longer knew what it meant to care.

_Here I am on the phone again and...  
Awkward silence is on the other end  
I used to know the sound of a smile in your voice  
But right now (right now) all I feel (all I feel)   
is the pain of the fighting starting up again  
  
_

She looked up at the cold grey walls of the palace. A place she had spent the better part of her life. She looked down at the thing that had brought her here. A letter from a friend.

'Kel,

I've missed you so much. Years have gone by since I last saw your face, since you last saw mine. I know things are different now. But I want to see you now. This war has weakened me. Without you, Kel, I can't keep fighting. Meet me at the palace this winter, for the sake of memories at least.  
  


_All the things we talk about you know they stay on my mind, on my mind  
All the things we laugh about will bring us through it every time,   
after time, after time_

As her steps echoed though the hallways she could hear her friends' voices. From so long ago, when life had been sweet and the she had smiled. Now, she wondered, what a smile was. 

"Neal, eat you vegetables."

"Of course my lady."

"Oh Kel, this is all so jolly."

            Then she had smiled, was that even her? A girl-child with a passion for life, one who knew love. She remembered Neal and how he had always held joy for her. Something for her to learn, a joke for her to share. Oh how he had changed. She remembered the last time she had seen him. It rained that day, it had poured. They told him Yuki had been killed. He fell to his knees then, the mud splattered onto him and not even the rain could hide his tears. He screamed to the Gods. He asked them why, he yelled until his voice was hoarse, and then he had turned to Kel. The whole time she had watched him, some how she had fallen to the ground too, and her tears were streaks of fire on her face.

_Don't say a word, I know you feel the same  
Just give me a sign, say anything, say anything  
Please don't walk away, I know you wanna stay  
If you just give me a sign, say anything, say anything  
  
_

Neal had finally looked at her. The pain in his eyes was ripping her apart and he had said to her, one word. The one thing she couldn't tell him, what the Gods themselves wouldn't tell him.

"Why?"

            Kel shook her head and turned her eyes away form her wanting friend. He stood then and looked out at the fields they had battled on. Slowly he turned back to her, the question in his eyes. Her eyes begged him to say something, anything but that. He didn't. Without a word he mounted his horse and rode away. And the rain poured on.

_Some say that time changes, best friends can become strangers  
But I don't want that, no not for you  
If you just stay with me we can make it through  
  
_

She had not seen him since that day. All she knew was that he lived. And she suspected his question was unanswered. Five years had passed, but it seemed like forever. She had seen the light in Neal's eyes fade that day and she couldn't imagine him without it. To her, that was him, but now, she had no idea who he was going to be,  
  
__

_Now I'm wondering if they ever change  
When will you laugh again, laugh like you did back when  
We'd make noise till __3:00 AM__  
And the neighbors would complain  
  
_

Maybe she would know him again one day. And this is why she had come. She had not come for who he was now, but for who he had once been. For she had once loved him, so why not again?  
  


_All the things we talk about you know they stay on my mind, on my mind  
All the things we laugh about will bring us through it every time,   
after time, after time_

His letter ran through her mind. She wondered if he would accept who she was now. Could he still find hope in a broken spirit?  
  
  
_Don't say a word, I know you feel the same  
Just give me a sign, say anything, say anything  
Please don't walk away, I know you wanna stay  
If you just give me a sign, say anything, say anything_  
  


She stared at his door. The wood made swirling patterns. Slowly she knocked on the door. Fear gripped her heart, but now she had nothing more than this. And just as slowly the door opened, and he was there. As shadow of someone she had once known. His hair was graying, prematurely, and his eyes were dull. A long scar ran down his cheek like a permanent tear. Sadness carved in every line of his face. Kel didn't realize she was crying until he raised his hand and wiped one of those little lines of fire from her face. The world spun.

_I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling down  
I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling down  
Down...down...down_

His touch brought back so much. Faces of the dead. Loving caresses before life left a body. Weeping lovers, mothers, children. Long dark trenches, filth that no amount of washing could ever remove. She stumbled into his arms. He brought her into his cold room and led her to a chair.  
  
_Don't say a word, I know you feel the same  
Just give me a sign, say anything, say anything  
Please don't walk away, I know you wanna stay  
If you just give me a sign, say anything, say anything_

He looked into her eyes. Eyes she knew didn't hold the answers he wanted. His hand grasped hers and she felt the warmth she had known from years before war had ripped her with its merciless claws.  
  
_(Please don't leave)  
Don't say a word, I know you feel the same   
Just give me a sign, say anything, say anything  
(Please don't leave)  
Please don't walk away, I know you wanna stay  
If you just give me a sign, say anything, say anything_

 Kel gripped his hand tightly and knew that maybe things would be bad again, and that maybe death was better, but at this moment she could not hide form his words. He held things she desperately wanted to hear. She wanted to tell him that she still loved him and that she knew he felt the same. His eyes met hers.

"Why?" he asked her at last, and still she could not give him an answer, but she gripped is hands harder and gently kissed him and outside the rain began to fall.

Please review

~~Topazwolf~~

            _With our minds we know and with our tears we show_


End file.
